People cross my path on a regular basis sometimes it’s just for a brief meeting other times they stay awhile, but invariably I learn something. One of the lessons I was reminded of yet again was that chronological age doesn’t equal emotional maturity. This experience did teach me some positive things, the first is how important the little things are especially to me. Things like having doors opened for me and for someone to know what I like to drink and bring it to me without asking. This basic respect has been completely absent from my life and now that I know how it feels, I will accept no less. I have had to actually learn that it’s not selfish for me to be putting some aspects of my life on hold while I go to school it’s a way for me to get ahead in the world. Going back to school has been my dream for many years . My Migraines have always been a big stumbling block for me, they have kept me from doing a great many things, but now as I stare down 37, I’m finally coming into my own. I like the metaphor of the soup pot, sometimes we especially women have to take time for ourselves to make more otherwise we give so much we have little left for others. This is not selfish.
I have been making a concerted effort to deal with some of my emotional baggage, I’m on a journey to become a better person. I am far from perfect, but through this process I have accepted the bad things that have happened to me, they are part of my mental landscape. Our experiences make us who were are and yes, at times they may rear their ugly heads, but if I can recognize that I’m having a mini meltdown that was triggered by something completely innocent that just makes me human. This also makes me more aware than most.
I went on a solo camping trip Monday. Unfortunately, I had to cut my outing short and come home a day early due to bad weather. I was able for just a few hours to slow down and see the small things in life. I was sitting on a rock by the lake and was visited by a spider who came scurrying past and into a crevasse in the rock. This spider was a great metaphor for life. I looked down again to see a caterpillar and smiled at how often we miss the micro in our oversized world. I sat awhile just letting my thoughts wander to nothing specific enjoying the feel of the wind on my skin.
I read a book just because I could. I made a meal over a open fire and was one with Mother Nature through two thunderstorms. When we get away from all the trappings of life it becomes readily apparent what is necessary and what is luxury.
Dare to Be….
I’m working on a paper titled Slavery and the Splintered Self in Toni Morrison’s Beloved. This was not the original subject matter when I started working on this project, but it was more geared toward slavery and its effect on motherhood. It seems my own process of excavating my slumbering intellect wove its way in and altered my topic. My paper became an extension of the process that I’m going through. At 36 with a long intermittent college career, I have finally been able to return and stay in school; what I’m experiencing now is a reawakening and reorganizing of my concept of self. I have forgotten so much that now everyday is like a new discovery (the kid in a candy store cliché comes to mind.) I received a comment on a rough draft that the paper seemed like it was written by two different people in essence it was . Dealing with a controlling former spouse, an emotionally abusive former fiancée and a bevy of other control freaks, I put aside my own intelligence, wants and needs because I was young and didn’t know there was another way. A line in the original Dune movie sums up this process ”The sleeper must awaken.”
I am older and much wiser now. I can’t berate myself for learning this lesson at this stage, there is a psychology at work here that goes back to my childhood. I am breaking out of a circle of behavior that I refuse to be a part of anymore and if that leaves me single for the rest of my life than so be it. I have learned so much these past two semesters, but the greatest lessons are the one the universe has granted me the clarity of sight to truly see. They are the ones that are redesigning the interior landscape of how I perceive my self.
“A great story is life with all the dull parts taken out.”
As the end of the semester approaches like a bullet train running late, I have a moment to pause and pull myself together. Tomorrow I’ll start packing for my move. I’ll miss my independence, but as with all things it’s a juggling act. I have to remember that this could always be worse I could have no family or friends able to take me in. At least I’ll have a roof over my head and be fed until I can figure out what my next move is. My life right know is a game of 52 pick up, where the kiddo throws the cards all over the floor then laughs at the mess. I’m trying to laugh but it’s difficult. I’ll have to back to living out of boxes with no real space of my own. I believe that there is a payoff or some sort of lesson the universe is trying to teach me. Just breathe do the best I can with the hand I’ve been dealt.
I’m trying to think positive that this too shall pass and the payoff is down the line when I graduate. Sometimes I have trouble seeing the proverbial light. I thought if I could set some goals that I could achieve in a shorter time frame that would give me makers on my progress. I’m not certain what they might be at this point, but it sounds like a good plan. I hate all the uncertainty I have no answers for anything just a lot of maybe I could do this…just need to get through the 9th which is my final then maybe I’ll be able to breathe and figure things out.
My mother called several hours ago to tell me my grandmother had had a stroke and was not doing very well. The news left me feeling like I’m loosing something I’ve never really had the time to truly appreciate. We moved away from my grandmother twenty years ago, I’ve only had a the chance to see her a few times since then. I’ve always been busy.
Busy at what? I asked myself, as we all are putting food on the table and a roof over my head. My inner voice replied. I’m certain there are things that are not as important that could wait, unnecessary things. We must pare down not only our material possessions, but our time obligations as well. What are we so busy at that we are loosing the most precious gift we have. Time. I need solitude quit a lot in fact or I get stressed and overwhelmed which sends me straight into a Migraine.
Time. We think we have so much of it, but can be stolen without any warning. Rekindle friendships with those you’ve lost touch with. I’ll admit I have some relatives that I see maybe once a once a year. We also need to learn how to let go of the relationships that no long serve us those also waste time and energy. That is a lesson I’ve learned the hard way. I have learned I have no patience for those who don’t add something to my life. Laughter being my personal favorite. Life is short don’t be too busy or afraid to say the things to someone they need to hear. I write these as much for myself as for those who read this blog. Don’t get too focused on ambitions take time for friends and family.
Dare to Be…
The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common.
Ralph Waldo Emerson