Out of focus

It seems I’m having trouble nailing my posterior down to a chair in order to get things done. The  procrastination devil is sitting on my right shoulder, while the deadline angel is reminding me that I have 2 essays due on Tuesday.  My dilemma is partially the debt I’m going into to continue my education. I’m not certain if it’s worth it. How are these courses going to enrich me and my life? I have discovered one thing I didn’t know before I have a big interest in etymology. Last semster was my first, I took an English history course. I loved it. I’ve learned to do some rudemntary translation of Old English (closer to German) to Modern English.

Perhaps, it’s just me.  I have so many balls in the air at once I have little time for social life.  Which is rather ironic since now I have someone in my life I want to spend time with. At one time or another we all find ourselves in a place full of shadows. Our doubts and fears pulling us down making us uncertain if our choices were the correct ones. I have wanted to go back to school for many years to prove I could do it if to no one other than myself. Am I the hamster in the wheel getting no where fast? Or is this the path that leads to somewhere great? Right now I don’t have an answere, but I hope some will be forthcoming. A little from the universe right now would be greatly appreciated. When I’m feeling lost I remind myself of the little things. I have wonderful friends and framily.; a roof over my head, a good running vehicle and plenty to eat. Not all are as fortunate as I am at this moment.

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As the book turns

I need a mental kick in the butt. I just looked back to see when I made my first attempt at doing a series of posts. These posts were to help me document my progress on my book project. The first one was posted on Jan, 3 roughly 6 weeks ago. My biggest enemy is procrastination. If at first you don’t succeed write it on the calendar so you can remember. I’m proud of myself 5 plus pages is alot for me to write in one sitting. My goal is to make that more of a routine.

The second draft of my fantasy book, The Healer’s Daughter is coming along, today I wrote 5 and a half pages. I’m adding and or deleting characters and unnecessary scenes. I changed the point of view from first to third person perspective which seems to help the flow. Doing this second rewrite I making changes as I write that I hadn’t necessarily thought of in the first draft. The over all mood is a bit darker and more realistic.

Dare to be….

The good side of bad

Transitions are always tough, standing at the big four-way stop wondering which way to go. I still don’t know exactly where I’m going. I only know that I don’t want to go back. The past is filled with empty words, broken promises and forgotten birthdays. The past is where I learned to never count on anyone, but myself for anything. It’s where I learned to live in a gilded cage of my own making it was comfortable safe and secure. Now I don’t need it aymore, I just need to go into the world and remember what it was like to be happy, to trust without resevation.

The present is where I’m slowly unlearning the past. I’m taking all of my bags out into the light and unpacking them; examining the contents one by one. Giving them labels so that at least if I can’t heal it I can give it a name and acknowledge it. Here is the time I stoped believing a word you said and here is the time I stopped trusting.

I have often wondered why some people who grow up in difficult situations manage to over come them and some do not. Now I know. It take a conscious choice each day to rise above another’s pettiness. It’s the choice whether to accept the bad as part of what is my life, hold it and learn from it. Rather than berate myself for the choices that took me down a wrong path. It’s ll about our choices. I can choose to live in fear and anger or I can choose to let it go. There are things to which forgivness is an ongoing process, but step one is to forgive myself. The rest will work itself out in time.