Transitions are always tough, standing at the big four-way stop wondering which way to go. I still don’t know exactly where I’m going. I only know that I don’t want to go back. The past is filled with empty words, broken promises and forgotten birthdays. The past is where I learned to never count on anyone, but myself for anything. It’s where I learned to live in a gilded cage of my own making it was comfortable safe and secure. Now I don’t need it aymore, I just need to go into the world and remember what it was like to be happy, to trust without resevation.
The present is where I’m slowly unlearning the past. I’m taking all of my bags out into the light and unpacking them; examining the contents one by one. Giving them labels so that at least if I can’t heal it I can give it a name and acknowledge it. Here is the time I stoped believing a word you said and here is the time I stopped trusting.
I have often wondered why some people who grow up in difficult situations manage to over come them and some do not. Now I know. It take a conscious choice each day to rise above another’s pettiness. It’s the choice whether to accept the bad as part of what is my life, hold it and learn from it. Rather than berate myself for the choices that took me down a wrong path. It’s ll about our choices. I can choose to live in fear and anger or I can choose to let it go. There are things to which forgivness is an ongoing process, but step one is to forgive myself. The rest will work itself out in time.